Defining

Codependency is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively care taking ways that negatively impact one's relationships and quality of life.It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns. Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

Enabler one that enables another to achieve an end; especially: one who enables another to persist in self-destructive behavior (as substance abuse) by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior

These two words are ones that I have heard so many times in my life. I know I could give tons of examples for myself and my family and friends. And I am not saying that having these two words as characteristics are necessarily a bad thing, it just leads to very interesting relationships.

I have read a great deal on codependency and the reasons someone suffers from it. I do believe that it comes back to having faith and hope in people where they might not deserve it, but no one should fault someone for having faith or hope. But there does come a time when both may not be enough any longer.

I often call my mother a martyr for her self sacrifices characteristics, but those silly traits are what has made her into such an amazing woman and mother. She has always put everyone elses needs in front of her own and I have always looked up to her for that and I guess wanted to do the same. But I also see the patterns of destruction that putting everyone elses needs in front of your own can cause. When you are living for another person you lose sight of who you are and devalue your own opinions or standards.

I know as a parent there is a happy median of codependency vs good parenting. and I am sure i will cross over this median multiple times in my life with Emma Lou. But in a relationship there should be no crossing, there should be suffering from this. No denials, no low self esteem, no compliance and no controlling. there should always be a balance between people. a healthy one.

I strive for that healthy balance one day. until then I will contiue to try to be a good parent and continue reading about these two words and search for solutions to why I suffer from both.

it was just something that i had to get through to get me to you

every moment of your life is there for a reason. you may hate some moments, you may question the reasons behind the bad ones, you may enjoy some, some will make you laugh, others cry. some you will feel anger and hate and rage or joy and happiness and excitement. but every moment is there to get you to the next point in your life. I have had many a moments in the past that i questioned. many choices that i made that i thought were the right ones that only ended up leading to hurt. but i do know that i had a moment one friday night in March that has changed a lot of things for me and I am very thankful for this moment and the decision i made. I had become accustomed lately to being treated badly by a guy and thinking it was ok because in the end things would be better and I could "fix" the problems we had. I drove myself crazy with trying too hard to make the best out of a really bad situation. until I was showed that everything i was so use to putting up with and dealing with was simply wrong. sometimes it just takes one really right person to open your eyes and pretty much slap you in the face to wake you up to the real meaning of things. there are ways that a woman should be treated by a guy, and some guys still believe in them. i feel like i have been living in a daze lately of happiness and love and of course my pessimistic self keeps waiting to be pinched so i will wake up because i can not imagine that someone can honestly be this amazing and also treat me this good. it makes me feel silly sometimes to be in this love struck day dream. and of course i keep thinking that i do not deserve it. an amazingly perfect guy who wants nothing more than to be part of my life. how could i be so lucky? but i am going to quit questioning it, and just go with it. and hopefully as my mother keeps telling me- not mess it up. best decision ever- go with Jorge to bertrand and actually give someone else a chance. one of those small moments that will hopefully make a huge difference in the rest of my life. and this is a moment i will forever be thankful for and never regret for one second.

counting

I count the hours and days and weeks like the passing of time is some sort of tool to make the feelings go away. i praise myself for every second that goes by without thinking about it. i list the reasons, i lay out the mistakes, i tell myself everything i need to hear to make it one more minute without breaking apart. i find replacements, i take applications, i seek new editions. i use humor and jokes and sarcasm. i use anger and hate and rage. i cling to those who always support me, i seek guidance for what i need to do. i ask questions, seek answers, want truth, need closure. i attempt new enlightenment, i look inside at old compartments. i look up for further spiritual growth. all of this and the pain is still there, all of this and i still feel so empty at times. but i will keep counting the seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months. i will keep counting until i forget why i am counting to began with. 17 days, 4 hours, 26 minutes

Happy girl

right about now seven years ago i was doing my last little bit of pushing to bring my little precious girl into the world. I never knew that in seven years she would bring me so much joy and happiness, and make my life so full and complete. Emma Lou is my reason for being here, she is the best thing i have done and will ever do.

The past two days have been absolutely fabulous for her. she has seen so much love from so many people. and she has smiled for pretty much 48 hours straight. i feel bad bc tomorrow she will most likely suffer birthday withdrawals. with everything that little girl has gone through she still is such a joy to be around and is happy about all the little things that children should be happy about. she never once tries to make anyone feel sorry for her and the one she has lost, she is the strongest munchkin i know.i heard after she lost her dad that she might use that loss to get things out of people, and i am thrilled to say that not once has that been the case. although i am probably now jinxing myself for some terrible high school years.

I just wanted to express my gratitude to everyone that cares so much about us. we are both so loved by so many. and we both love all of you guys right back. every message i have received via facebook or text or email has made her day. all the phone calls and voicemails have lit up her big eyes. and all the hugs and presents have made her feel so lucky and so happy. 11:55 pm. great time for good things to start!!!

Its just milk

last year after Emma and I moved into the golden girls, I had to start bringing her to school in the morning. so every morning Emma and Molly Anne and I would load up and head to Gallet. Emma always had cheerios and a glass of milk and after she finished Molly would get her left overs. after I dropped Emma off one morning I headed home and my phone rang as i was pulling in the garage, it was Sommar. I didnt answer bc i was going to call her back once I got inside. as soon as that call ended my dad called me. same thing- i didnt answer because i was trying to get in. with the phone calls going on i didnt realize the extra cars at the house, that and i was still half asleep. so i got out of my car and as molly was jumping out she knocked over the entire glass of Emma's milk. she just looked up at me and I could not even get mad. She looked too sweet. normally my total cleaning OCD would have kicked in and i would have freaked out. but for whatever reason that day i blew it off and just began cleaning. i walked inside and Tac and Dawnie and Mawmaw where in the living room. i just said hey and grabbed some paper towels and ran to the garage. Tac told me to go in and i said hold on, i gotta clean up this milk. So i walked in, i already knew something was wrong- all the details where hitting me- extra cars, Dawnie back from work at 730am- mawmaw on the sofa just sitting there speechless. My mom was out of town- she had left for Atlanta the day before. so my mind started spinning. so many people to worry about. i knew emma was ok- i just had here- but something was wrong- something i really did not want to know.

So i finally sat down and Tac looked at me and said- your mom is fine, your dad is fine- timmy and sarah are fine. but there has been an accident offshore and Frank was killed. i didnt really listen because I had just talked to Frank with Emma the night before and he was fine. and then the details started coming in. the first phone call i made was to my then boyfriend John, who was about as supportive as he ever was. and then i called Laura- she answered the phone with- yes, i am taking a shower today and going to be productive- she had just lost her job and was being lazy for a few days before that. i told her Frank was dead and she immediately headed over with cigarettes for me. after that the day just got slower and slower. every one came over- Danny Toups showed up not long after we found out. people were calling, texting, leaving facebook messages. I didnt realize it then because of the shock of it all but i had so many people who were there for me and i am so fortunate for that.

This year has been very long indeed- i dont ever want to relive that day again. but i am overwhelmed by the love and support of every one in my life. I could honestly not made it through this year with out each and every one of you and everything you have done for Emma and I. I thank God that Emma is old enough to remember how wonderful a man and father Frank was, and I thank God that she is young enough to not have to experience the sadness that we all feel every day.

It will be a year tomorrow. January 13- a day i will never forget. its the day that i learn thats its only spilt milk.

love to all!!!

Toxic

I am thankful I have family and friends who are straight with me and don't sugar coat things. When I am doing things I shouldn't I know they will always set me straight. How can someone watch a family member or friend lead an unhealthy and toxic lifestyle and not say anything. And of course these same people are the ones who talk bad about you when you call their loved one out. Hey atleast I can say I care and I tried Amd I didn't ignore. What did you do?

Fresh Start

So i have been considering starting a blog for some time now, and I figured with the new year why not go ahead and do it. I have multiple reasons for wanting to have one.
       1. why not? 
       2. my sister is totally against it
       3. helps with self reflection and journal
       4. a great way to vent on days when i have venting to do
       5. entertain for my ladies of leisure who love to hear about my crazy love life

and of course i could continue on with about 20 more reasons if i needed to. 

2010 was a horrible, let me repeat that, HORRIBLE year for me. I had to deal with things that i never in a million years thought i would ever go through and i made many mistakes along the way. I would like to think that 2011 will be better, i mean it really can not get any worse. But i also know that i am a long way away from making any huge life changing decisions. but i am striving to every day make very small decisions that will slowly make things better. 

So i invite you to read along, follow me, comment, disagree, laugh, cry, whatever you feel necessary. but i am forewarning you I will vent, i will insult, i will make comments people do not like, i will put things out there that maybe i should not. but this is me, and i will not apologize for anything i put on here. it is your choice to read it or not. Enjoy!!